Preparing for Attack

By Shanon

Kim and I have known for some time that there would be a point on this journey when things would become very difficult for both of us. In some ways more difficult than the years she spent healing. More difficult than the exhumation of my own memories of abuse. Perhaps more difficult than some of the abuse itself. We’ve both known that as our story became more public, there would come a time when she would be called a liar and I would be called a lunatic.

Awakening to truth

Nearly six years ago I learned about a secret world that I never knew existed. Like many people I thought human trafficking was limited to impoverished young women from third world countries. I had no idea how prevalent it was and that children, even infants, were being sold and abused. I didn’t know about dark, satanic cults that were woven through our society and hidden in plain sight. I had no clue that human mind control and programming were even real things. And though I had no idea this stuff existed (at least at a conscious level), it never occurred to me to doubt what she was telling me. I never once wondered if she was lying.

For nearly two years I listened to countless stories so horrific most people couldn’t even imagine it. Stuff you couldn’t make up because your mind wasn’t even capable of going there. And not once did I doubt it was real. For one, her pain was real. I was watching someone experience memories that were very real and very painful.

But the bigger reason I had no reason to doubt it is that her truth didn’t threaten my own truth. I had nothing to lose by believing her.

On an unconscious level, I knew that there were people capable of abusing children. I had experienced it myself. While my abuse was not nearly as severe as hers had been, at some level, I knew it was possible. So, there was no reason for me to reject her stories or to question if they were true.

But there are people that will. Because her truth will threaten their truth.

Conflicting truths

When we are confronted with information that challenges our view of ourselves or of the world, we often react emotionally and defensively. Our minds are constantly protecting our world view and our sense of identity. When either of these is challenged, the same part of the brain that detects physical danger is activated. We drop into survival mode and we react defensively and sometimes aggressively.

I often use the following simple example when I am explaining this to students. If someone calls me a “selfish bitch,” it will trigger a reaction. It pushes a button, because at some level, I am afraid they might be right. I have behaved selfishly in the past. I have been a bitch. Their accusations threaten my current view of myself and the way I want others to see me. I drop into a fear response and I start defending. If that doesn’t work, I will start to get angry.

On the other hand, if someone calls me a fat, gay man, there is no reaction. It doesn’t trigger anything because I have never been any of those things and there is no part of me that fears they are right. I feel no need to defend myself and I just walk away.

The same will happen with our story. It will challenge most people’s worldview. And those that have something to lose will react defensively. Those with the most to lose will react aggressively.

Coming to terms with the fact that there are people in this world who are evil – people who abuse children, who sell them, torture them, kill them – will be difficult for those whose identity is dependent on a world where these things don’t happen. Learning that some of our leaders, the people we look up to, the pillars of our community are part of a secret, dark society will feel like a threat to their very existence. And their response will be to call it a lie. They will call her a liar and I will be considered to be crazy, naïve, or just plain stupid enough to have believed it.

And, of course, those that are a part of these societies, that have participated in abuse, that are hiding their true identity from the world, will be the ones that get the angriest and scream the loudest.

The world is waking up

I am encouraged by the number of people who are stepping forward and sharing their truth. Other survivors of human trafficking and satanic ritual abuse, but there are more. People who have been silenced for too long. Medical professionals, scientists, military, journalists – brave people who are sharing their stories.

And the reactions they receive are very telling.

Have you wondered why people react so defensively? So aggressively? With so much anger? When I see information that I don’t agree with or think is false, I typically just roll my eyes and move on. I have no need to get defensive or angry. I have no need to respond. But that is because I have nothing to fear. Their truth doesn’t affect my own.

Looking deeper

Begin to question those that scream the loudest. What is it they are afraid of? What is it they are really afraid of? Begin to question your own responses. If you are being triggered by someone else’s truth, ask yourself why. Recognize that it is a fear response and begin to look for the root cause.

Even if someone is incorrect, even if they are delusional, they have a right to their truth. And unless you have something to be afraid of, their truth will not threaten your own.

The world is at a turning point right now. More and more people are coming forward. They are telling their stories. They are speaking their truth. They will face anger and aggression, but I no longer think it’s going to stop them.

Nothing to gain or lose

We know what we will face as this story becomes more public and we are prepared for it. That won’t make it less difficult. But we move forward nonetheless. Because we actually have nothing to gain or lose by sharing our story. The gains and losses for us have already occurred.

Lost innocence, lost childhoods, lost loves. The loss of the belief in our own divine perfection. But what we gained was tremendous. Healing, growth, and a friendship that will continue to support us both.

Sharing our story is now about what the world has to lose or to gain. Our hope is that the world loses its blindfold to what has been happening, what is still happening to children around the globe. And what we hope the world will gain is the courage to change, to heal, and to love.

We want people to know that healing is possible. We want to show people, through our story, how to move out of fear and into love.

Have you ever wished you could break the chains of fear and step fully into love? Shanon and Kim share their journey of healing from trauma, abuse, and programming through acceptance and love. Do you want to step out of fear? Subscribe and follow their journey. 

When the Present Triggers the Past

By Kim

As I stand in the loft of my best friend’s house, watching as she climbs out onto the decorative ledge to retrieve the Christmas decorations, my heart beats rapidly. It does this every time she climbs out there. She is small and flexible. In very good shape. She does not struggle out on this ledge. She simply crawls over the railing and procures the decorations. I’ve watched her do this many times. And each time, my heart beats fast and then catches. I discover that I am holding my breath. I panic. I know I am over reacting, but I’m not sure why. She’s nowhere near the edge, but I feel anxiety overcoming me. She will fall. It will be my fault. It’s always my fault.Read More »

Hiding Behind Anger

By Shanon

I’ve been familiar with anger as far back as I can remember. I grew up in a very angry household. Daily I walked the landmine of anger, trying not to detonate an explosion. A constant fear of what might set off an outburst. A constant fear of being harmed.

But I can clearly recall the day my companionship with anger began. I was 7. My parents had separated. My mother didn’t want me. I was acutely aware of this. One day I was at the park with her and my sister. She must have been calling me to leave, but I didn’t hear. I looked up and she and my sister had walked away toward the car. My mother turned to me and said, “You can just stay here and find another family to live with.” I ran to catch up to them but she said, “No, you’re staying here.”

I stopped. I crossed my arms over my chest and said to myself, “Fine. I don’t need anybody to do anything. I can do it all myself.” An armor fit for battle descended over me and I said “f-you” to the world. Had I known the word, I’m sure I would have said it aloud. I grabbed anger’s hand and for over three decades I didn’t let go.Read More »

The Illusion of Being Good Enough

By Kim

As I pull on my leggings, I feel a heaviness in my core. A sense of dread. I sit on the ground and pull on my socks. Right foot – “I don’t want to.” Left foot – “Please don’t.” I grab my spin shoes and slip my feet in. As I tie the strings, the sobs well up in my body. “Please don’t go. I’m not good enough. And everyone can see.” The tears spill over. Hunched forward on my knees with my forehead steadied by the closet floor, the sobs consume me. Here I stay for what feels like a lifetime. The closet carpet a precarious cradle for my horrific release.Read More »

Changing Prepositions

By Kim

Over the years I have reached a place of owning my history. I no longer deny that I was abused or sold for sex. This hasn’t been easy. I’ve never really liked sharing my story with people. I had worked through a lot of the shame. And it wasn’t that I felt guilty anymore. I knew that nothing that had happened was my fault. I just didn’t want pity. I didn’t want people to hear my story and feel sorry for me. There was always a fear that people would judge me – determine what I was like without even knowing me – simply because of what was done to me. As a result, I never really talked about my life.

Less than a handful of people (outside of the abusers) knew what had happened to me. I just didn’t tell.

While I didn’t want pity from outsiders, I also continuously struggled with seeing my life as some tragic Lifetime® movie. Poor me. I had been through so much. A victim of so much harm. A family that was abusive. A plethora of emotions and behaviors that were a result of that abuse. And loss. More loss than I knew what to do with.Read More »

Reconnecting My Body and Mind

by Kim

How often have you driven to work and not remembered the drive? You planned dinner for the night. You ran through your “To Do” list. You were just on autopilot. You go every day, so you just know how to get there. You don’t really have to think about it. You just do it.

Or how about brushing your teeth each night? Do you consciously think about each tooth, scrubbing away the remnants of dinner? Or does your mind wander to what someone said at work that day and after a few minutes when your mouth is full of foam, you realize you need to spit and move on with the bedtime routine?

These are forms of dissociation. Our bodies are able to complete tasks while our minds are doing something else. While these are very mild (and common) examples of day-to-day dissociation, those who experience severe abuse often have much more extreme levels of dissociation. I am one of those people.Read More »