I was born into a world of fear. A darkness that was blinding. My family of birth held deep, dark secrets. To the outside world I was part of a “perfect” upper-middle class family, but the inside truth was a torturous existence.
I was part of a dark cult hidden behind the facades of the church. By day I was taught to follow the teachings of Jesus and that strict adherence to religious rules were the only path to salvation. At night, behind closed doors, was an evil that is unimaginable to most. My days were filled with lessons that instilled fear that any mistake I might make could land me in hell. My nights involved rituals and sacrifices geared to gain the favor and power of dark Satanic forces. It was hell.
The abuse started as young as I can remember. Physical and sexual abuse. Emotional and psychological torture. My mind was being broken as quickly as possible to allow a doctrine of false beliefs to be laid down like a carefully placed mosaic floor. My body, mind, and spirit were taxed to the edge of survival on a daily basis.
It wasn’t long before I began being gifted, traded, and sold for sex.
Not old enough to ride a bicycle, but well indoctrinated into the world of sexual exploitation. Trained like an olympian to be what any deserving (and well-paying) pedophile desired. I was developing an inability to trust, constant hyper-awareness of my surroundings, and an impeccable gift of removing my mind from the current physical situation.
On the outside I was a perfect little girl. Well behaved. Well dressed. Smart. Polite. On the inside, I lived in a world of fear. My world was fear.
And this continued. Well into adulthood. And the problem with living in fear is that you stop growing. You are stuck. Paralyzed.
My story is extreme. But everyone has traumas. Everyone has events in their life that create fear and they often get stuck there. Unable to move forward. To grow. It’s like being in a straight jacket, bound by the stories of your past. And these stories continue to propel you into the same patterns, the same mistakes, repetition of the same hurts. And you feel helpless.
Yet I survived…..and now thrive
My soul knew that I could not continue in this life of fear. There was a strong desire to move out of this place and into a place of love. On a very deep level I recognized that fear was controlling me and that it was a complete illusion.
I started looking for help. I wanted out of my prison. I wanted to heal. I spent many years and tens of thousands of dollars in traditional therapy. Countless therapists. Nothing was working. I was trapped in the darkness of my past. Often feeling like I was getting worse instead of better. I couldn’t move forward.
I began to realize that I needed something different. I had never done yoga, but somehow I knew that it was what I needed. Call it a hint from my soul, but I knew that this would be the path to my healing. In 2014 I found a yoga teacher who was willing to work with me. Her name was Shanon. I had no idea the journey I was about to embark on. And neither did she.
In the beginning I did not tell her my full history. Only that I had been abused. She began working to help me move out of fear. At first, simple postures and breathing to calm my nervous system. It was difficult. I had been stuck in fear for so long that anything else felt foreign. It was completely unknown territory. I couldn’t even breath fully without crying. With each deep breath, traumas were released. She was patient and I was dedicated. I practiced every day, without fail. And I began to get better. My anxiety was reducing. I started feeling my body like I never had before. I was sleeping better. At that time I didn’t understand how it worked, but I knew it was working. For the first time ever, I felt better.
When fear meets love
Then, I began sharing more of my story. And that is when my healing really began. While Shanon has never had formal training in psychotherapy or in dealing with trauma, she knew what to do every step of the way. I know now that she was being divinely guided. But I also know now that the answer was very simple. Love.
Week after week she listened to my stories. Stories of shocking abuse, stories that would give anyone nightmares. And she never met any story with anything other than complete acceptance and understanding. She never doubted my truth. She was never shocked, appalled, disgusted or judgmental. Her only response was love.
And I began to trust her. I began to love her.
This was not a romantic love or an infatuation. It was a pure love that I had really only experienced with my children. It was familial. And it changed everything.
That love ignited the light in my soul that had been extinguished long, long ago. It became the mirror that allowed me to begin to truly love myself. To see the love in me that had been hidden behind a prison wall so many years ago.
Stepping out of fear
The simple act of love began to dissolve all of the lies that had been literally programmed in my mind. The walls of my captivity were crumbling. I was no longer paralyzed and I started growing. Now mobile, I began walking toward light and truth.
Love is what began to break the chains of fear that held me hostage. Love is what rekindled the light in my soul and allowed me to see the truth – that an infinite source of love springs from within me because I AM love.
Each and every person has this opportunity. To step out of fear and into love. You are not defined by your past. Your hurts, your traumas, they are part of your story. But do not let them paralyze you. Use them to learn what you are truly capable of. Use them as a launching pad to spring out of fear and into love. That is all it takes. Love.
Begin by recognizing where fear has paralyzed you. Where have you become stuck? What patterns are you repeating that keep resulting in pain?
Then find love. Someone, anyone to love. Unconditionally. This isn’t about finding someone that will love you. It’s about experiencing yourself AS love. Others serve as our mirror. Mirrors don’t reciprocate anything, they just show us what we are. When we love another we see ourselves as that love. You can love each and every person you encounter. With no expectation of anything in return. And each time you do it, you will move further from fear and closer to love.
Then let that love grow. Use it as the force that breaks the chains of the past. Use it to give yourself the courage to make change. Use it to ignite the light in your soul and recognize your truth. You ARE love.
For love is the only thing that is real
It’s been a long journey. Not a smooth one, not an easy one. But a simple one. I let go of fear. And I moved into love. I am living proof that a person can be submerged in the darkest of dark and still rise into light. I am about to show you the way.
What I am about to share with the world (through this blog and the book that will follow) is what happened in the 3 ½ years that Shanon and I worked together. How I healed from a lifetime of abuse. How I learned what love really is. How I learned that nothing is impossible. How I said goodbye to fear and hello to love.
And how you can too.
Have you ever wished you could break the chains of fear and step fully into love? Shanon and Kim share their journey of healing from trauma, abuse, and programming through acceptance and love. Do you want to step out of fear? Subscribe and follow their journey.